oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
