My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
