the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
