I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
