filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
