Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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