So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
