Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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