Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
