and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
