After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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