if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
