i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
