I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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