Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
