Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
