Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
