giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
