Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
