Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
