flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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