my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
