my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
