did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
