it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
