If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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