Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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