Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
