i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize