how can u be prego again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
