I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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