I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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