I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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