When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
