listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The ass gains better be worth it
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