im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
