I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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