Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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