Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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