I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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