Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
