Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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