at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
