No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
