all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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