how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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