i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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