its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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