theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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