Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
