I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
