You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
