This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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