break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
