I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The uberlube is also flammable
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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