he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize