well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
