Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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