I CAN MOONWALK!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize