So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
