Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
