Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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