I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
